What is Cushioning?
Cushioning is keeping a few backup romantic options on the side as a safety net in case your current relationship or main interest does not work out.
Cushioning means maintaining flirty or emotionally close contact with other people while in a relationship or while pursuing someone, so there is a soft landing if things end. It might look like regular affectionate texting with an ex, a coworker or a match who is kept warm just in case.
People cushion because of insecurity, fear of being alone or doubts about the relationship. It is rarely about the cushion itself; it usually reflects a lack of confidence in the main connection or an unwillingness to deal with problems directly.
For a partner who discovers it, cushioning can feel like a breach of trust even without physical infidelity. Couples differ in where they draw the line, so the useful question is whether the behaviour matches the agreements you have made.
Example: Ravi is unhappy in his relationship but has not said so. He keeps up daily flirtatious chats with an old friend, thinking of her as someone he could turn to if things end with his partner.
Signs
- Regular flirty or emotionally intimate messages with someone outside the relationship
- Secrecy around certain conversations or contacts
- Keeping an ex or a past match close without a clear reason
- Talk of the relationship in uncertain or temporary terms
What to do
- Reflect honestly on why you or your partner feels the need for a backup
- Raise concerns directly instead of looking elsewhere for reassurance
- Agree together on what counts as acceptable closeness with other people
- If you are cushioning, decide whether you want to commit or end things openly
- If it is happening to you, set clear expectations and consider whether the relationship meets your needs
Frequently asked questions
Is cushioning the same as cheating?
Not necessarily, since it may not involve physical contact. It can still break trust if it goes against what you and your partner have agreed.
Why do people cushion?
Usually out of insecurity, fear of being alone or unspoken doubts about the relationship. Talking about those doubts is generally more helpful than keeping a backup.